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Study No. 7 TO THE GLORY OF GOD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE 12 MAJOR CAUSES OF DIVORCE.
1. COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN
2. SEXUAL INCOMPATIBILITY
3. DIFFERENT LEISURE-TIME ACTIVITIES
4. DISAGREEMENT OVER HOW TO RAISE THE CHILDREN
5. FINANCIAL COLLAPSE
6. SEXUAL UNFAITHFULNESS
7. POOR RELATIONSHIPS WITH EACH OTHER, CLOSE RELATIVES AND FRIENDS
8. THE COMPLAINT THAT "ALL THE FUN HAS GONE OUT OF THE MARRIAGE"
9. WOMEN'S LIB RELATED PROBLEMS
10. ALCOHOL OR DRUG ABUSE
11. PHYSICAL ABUSE
12. POOR OR NO SPIRITUAL RELATIONSHIP
Husbands are responsible to train up their families in the way they
should go. Until the marriage, the woman has every right to back out
of the wedding and should if she's not happy in all twelve of these
areas. Statistics prove the marriage has a poor chance if there is a
problem in any of these areas. Statistics also prove that the marriage
has almost no chance if there are problems in two or more of these
areas. Following the wedding, the husband is in charge in all twelve
areas and the wife must accept his way of working these things out.
But, husband, you are responsible to lead in all twelve areas. If you
are blaming your wife for failure in any of these areas, face the
fact: you are out of step. Take authority. LEAD!
Don't be like Adam. I understand that Adam stood at the exit of the
Garden of Eden, pointed back and said to his two sons, "There is the
place where your mother ate us out of house and home!" Don't accuse.
LEAD! (And lead with love.)
Otherwise you might face the attitude of a woman like Zsa Zsa Gabor
who says, "I'm a wonderful housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce I
keep the house!!!"
THE FINANCIAL VALUE OF A WIFE
If your wife did the same things she does free in your home, here's
what she'd have to be paid on the outside:
As COOK she works an estimated average of 13 hours a week, which,
at the going rate of $5.50 per hour = $71.50.
She does NURSEMAID services at least 45 hours a week, at $3.50
= $162.00.
As DIETICIAN she spends at least one hour every week at the going
wage of $7.50 per hour = $7.50.
As FOOD BUYER she shops an average of 3 1/2 hours per week. Food
buyers are paid $3.75 per hour = $13.13.
As DISHWASHER she could be making $3.15 per hour. She works 7 1/2
hours a week doing your dishes = $23.63.
As your HOUSEKEEPER, anywhere else she'd get $63.00 a week for the
17 1/2 hours a week she gives you free.
Add another $18.30 a week for her 6 hour weekly donation as
LAUNDRESS.
And there's the work of the SEAMSTRESS. She makes and repairs
clothing an estimated hour a week. A seamstress makes $4.50 an
hour on the open market = $4.50.
And have you noticed the REPAIRS she's made on the furniture and
the house in general? She works on that 2 hours a week. That
would cost you $7.00 otherwise.
Not only the inside gets her touch, but she's also a GARDENER 2
hours weekly. That's another $8.50 if she were someone else.
Do you know what a CHAUFFEUR makes? He makes $10.50 an hour. She
averages 5 hours each week driving the family all over town.
That's $52.50 weekly.
The total amounts to $431.56 a week or $1870.09 per month or
$22,441.12 per year--and that's 103 hours and 30 minutes of work per
week--and that's not counting overtime, holidays and bonuses that
would have to be paid anyone other than your wife.
SOME MEN DON'T KNOW WHAT A WIFE IS WORTH UNTIL A JUDGE SETS THE
ALIMONY PAYMENTS!!!
BE GLAD YOU HAVE A CHRISTIAN WIFE
In April, 1977, "Redbook Magazine" published the findings of a survey
that proved the more religious a wife is, the better adjusted to life
she is. These facts were listed:
1. The more religious a woman is, the happier she is. "The very
religious woman, for example, is least likely to report feelings of
anxiety, tension or worthlessness."
2. The very religious woman "suffers less from headaches and stomach
upsets" than do women who are less sure of their beliefs.
3. Also, the very religious woman is "least likely to report a loss of
sexual interest or pleasure during the past year and is most likely
to say that her faith enhances her marriage and her sex life."
4. "Devout women feel confident of God's forgiveness, and this eases
the pang of guilt and doubt that besets other people. Religion
organizes one's life and gives it meaning, and that should lead to
health and happiness."
COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE
Marriage totally changes the lives of two adults. It requires dying
to selfishness. It equally requires real communication. (Again, the
average couple in the united States communicates 27 minutes a week --
remember that "communication" means "a stimulating conversation on
both ends," but not an argument.)
A simple formula for solving problems together:
1. Define the problem.
2. Discuss ways of solving it (write them down).
3. Decide on the very best plan.
4. Both commit to following that plan.
Problems DON'T go away by totally avoiding them. You need to
communicate with your mate. Communicate, DON'T just talk. The
dictionary defines "talking" as "to utter words." "To communicate"
means "to transmit thoughts."
PRINCIPLES OF COMMUNICATION
1. DECIDE YOU WILL COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR WIFE. This decision has to
be made by the husband. Your marriage, according to God, makes
you "like the Lord" to your wife (Eph.5:22, 1 Pet.3:6).
Hebrews 4:14-16
"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the
heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.
For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our
weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are,
yet without sin. Let us therefore draw near with confidence to
the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and may find grace
to help in time of need."
Does your wife have a "great high priest" in her house that will
give her "mercy and grace in time of need" just as our great high
priest, Jesus, does for us? You are to be just like the Lord to
your wife, ready to listen to her and bless her.
2. MINISTER TO HER NEEDS VERBALLY AND LET HER MINISTER TO YOURS.
Reverend Peter Openshaw of New Zealand explains, "Do not react to
the poor attitudes in your mate--rather assist the mate that is
emotionally down. Minister to the needs of each other!" He goes
on to write, "Usually both partners will not be emotionally down
at the same time. It will be an either/or situation. It is the
joy and duty of the partner who is not, at present, emotionally
down to strengthen the one who is. When one is down emotionally,
she (or he) needs help and encouragement, not reaction from
others. Reacting to another's poor attitudes usually strengthens
them. Reaction makes the person feel condemned, and she (or he)
tends to retaliate by emphasizing his poor attitudes, so the
result is just the opposite of what was desired. Understanding
and encouragement tend to soothe the mate and better serve to
correct the attitude." (NOTE: "No fair" being the mate who is
always down!)
3. DON'T FORM YOUR RESPONSE UNTIL YOUR WIFE FINISHES TALKING.
... DON'T EVER INTERRUPT.
... DON'T EVER CONTRADICT.
... DON'T ANTICIPATE THE CONCLUDING THOUGHT.
James 1:19-20
"...let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to
anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of
God."
Proverbs 18:13
"He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to
him."
A REAL ARGUMENT IS WHEN TWO PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO GET IN THE LAST
WORD FIRST!
4. AVOID NEGATIVE STATEMENTS.
Statements like, "DON'T LISTEN TO ME. YOU'LL DO WHAT YOU WANT
ANYWAY!" are the kind of sarcasm that turns a wife off and even
helps to make her rebellious. Phrases like, "I can't stand..."
used during a heated discussion may easily be received angrily by
your wife as a weakness on your part (as if you should be able to
stand anything!).
Angrily telling your wife, "YOU SHOULDN'T BE..." will simply make
her defensive. In fact, all negative words need to come out of
any times of disagreement. Words like, "DON'T!" ..."DIDN'T!"
..."SHOULDN'T!" ..."COULDN'T!" ..."CAN'T!" ..."NEVER!"
..."ALWAYS!" ...etc.
Also avoid negative predictions like "AT THE RATE YOU'RE
GOING..."; "IF YOU KEEP (eating, smoking, anything she's doing
that you don't like) YOU'RE GOING TO...(and then finish the
sentence describing a disaster). Remember that Jesus said in
Mark 11:23 that whatever we say is what we'll get if we really
believe that it is going to happen. Your negative prediction can
even make your listener so angry, she'll unconsciously carry out
the prediction as a form of retaliation, even though it is self-
destructive.
5. AVOID MAKING FACES.
Remember what Harvard University discovered regarding a woman's
intuition. Most wives can read a facial expression from a mile
away or read body language in the same way.
So AVOID:
... Pointing a finger at her (because she'll think you're accusing
her).
... the "Will you ever learn?" expression.
... deeply distressed sighing and moaning.
... turning your head away from her.
... the hand to brow or looking down in disgust actions.
... raising your eyebrows while looking up towards the sky.
... shaking your head in a "no" fashion while your wife is
speaking.
... pulling your hand or body away from your wife when she reaches
out to touch you.
... any other facial expressions or body language that you may use
when you're mad.
LEARN TO ATTACK THE PROBLEM--NOT THE PERSON! THE TEMPTER IS THE
MOST DANGEROUS HIGH EXPLOSIVE KNOWN TO MAN!!!
Be sure both of you are fully rested before such times. God says
there will NEVER be a time to verbally (nor any other way) attack
your wife. In fact, the wisest words are those a husband doesn't
say when he's angry (except to God)!
1 Peter 3:8-12
"To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly,
kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil, or
insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were
called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.
For 'LET HIM WHO MEANS TO LOVE LIFE AND TO SEE GOOD DAYS REFRAIN
HIS TONGUE FROM EVIL AND HIS LIPS FROM SPEAKING GUILE. AND LET
HIM TURN AWAY FROM EVIL AND DO GOOD; LET HIM SPEAK PEACE AND
PURSUE IT. FOR THE EYES OF THE LORD ARE UPON THE RIGHTEOUS, AND
HIS EARS ATTEND TO THEIR PRAYER, BUT THE FACE OF THE LORD IS
AGAINST THOSE WHO DO EVIL.'"
A FOOLISH MAN TELLS A WOMAN TO STOP TALKING, BUT A TACTFUL MAN
TELLS HER THAT HER MOUTH IS EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL WHEN HER LIPS ARE
CLOSED!!!
6. SAY IT AGAIN.
After your wife tells you something that is obviously important
for you to have heard re-state what she has said in your own
words. Listen fully and then say, "O.K. Now I think what you're
saying is..." (and then repeat what you think she has said.) If
you didn't get it right, give her opportunity to tell you so.
You might not have heard her right, or she might not have told it
well. But GET IT!!! Once she knows you know what she's said,
she'll be able to rest easy and not keep saying the same thing.
7. HEAR YOUR WIFE WHETHER OR NOT YOU CAN SOLVE HER PROBLEM.
A wife cares most that you see how things look to her. Things may
not be the way she sees them, but that isn't the issue she's
making. She wants you to catch her vision, right or wrong. Let
your wife explain. Let your wife complain. Her biggest need is
to know that you care about her feelings. You may not be able to
do anything about the problem, but your love for her will show
through to her IF you listen and sympathize with her. DON'T
ARGUE. NEVER SAY, "DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT." (Such a remark
guarantees in her mind that you don't care.) CARE! Find out what
she's really saying. Discover what she's really worried about.
Ask questions when she's finished pouring out her heart to you.
Be sure you do understand her position (1 Peter 3:7 -- "...You
husbands, likewise, live with your wives in an understanding
way...") You may not be able to be Superman, solving every
problem, but you are to be Superhusband, listening to and caring
about your wife!
8. WRITE IT IF YOU CAN'T SAY IT.
Someone returning from an Encounter Weekend and continuing to
practice writing, rather than saying everything to their mate,
wrote: "I liked the idea of writing things down. I find that I
can be much more genuine when I write things, instead of taking a
clue from the person I'm talking to. Also, when you're in the
same room, and your partner writes a lot, or goes fast, you're
intimidated by their response. I like being able to write exactly
what I want to, at my own pace."
THE THING OPENED MOST OFTEN BY MISTAKE IS THE HUMAN MOUTH!!!
9. HOW TO END ALL ARGUMENTS.
There are two things the Lord will allow to test a husband's love
for his wife -- her cold feet in bed and her hot temper keeping
him from bed!!! When a guy is single he often lies awake thinking
of something she said. After marriage he may not be able to fall
asleep until she's finished saying things!!! Two words can end
the problem -- SAY "I'M SORRY!" EVERY LEADER NEEDS TO KEEP THOSE
TWO WORDS HANDY!
When your wife understands that you see what she was saying:
1. She knows you understand her viewpoint (you can see it from her
side).
2. You may still disagree after listening to her, but you've heard
her.
3. If the husband disagrees with his wife, he should consult the
Lord and His Word for the right answer.
4. The husband, under the Lord's Word, speaks the last word.
MEN SHOULD CRY!
Men have often learned not to communicate. They're told as children,
"Don't show your real feelings. Big boys don't cry." Husbands, let's
get over that. The most masculine man who ever lived on this planet
cried. The Bible tells us..."Jesus wept" (John 11:35). Not only
should your wife be free to cry before you (with your acceptance,
comfort and love), but you should feel free to cry in front of her,
too.
CARE FOR EACH OTHER -- BE SENSITIVE TO EACH OTHER'S NEEDS.
Judith F. Van Heukelem said in a thought-provoking article in Journal
of Psychology And Theology, summer '79, "We live in a fallen world,
characterized by sin, loss, sorrow, pain, and distress...The human
body can survive only limited amounts of stress. God, in His
providence, has provided various tension releases, one of which is
crying. "Scripture rarely condemns or disapproves of weeping or
crying...Scripture, on the contrary, treats weeping and crying as
normal and expected behaviour...The only instance that can be found of
Jesus telling people not to weep are in cases where the loved one they
were grieving for had been raised or was about to experience
resurrection."
"REJOICE WITH THOSE WHO REJOICE, AND WEEP WITH THOSE WHO WEEP"
(Romans 12:15)
TEMPTATIONS OF AN ANGRY HUSBAND
The two biggest temptations the husband will face:
1. Withdraw his love -- violating Ephesians 5:25.
2. Get bitter -- violating Colossians 3:19.
Bitterness takes two forms:
1. Angry outbursts -- general loud bellowing!
2. Silence (at home or purposely staying away from home.)
(Wives are fully capable of these above things, too.)
Silence is a deadly weapon to whoever uses it. Pent up anger causes
ulcers, high blood pressure, etc. Don't let such poison get released
in you.
KEEP A GENTLE, QUIET SPIRIT
A gentle, quiet spirit is not fighting a war inside. Both mates are
to have gentle, quiet spirits. Be quiet, but not silent. Dear
friends of mine hung up a sign in their home that read, "NO LOUD
SHOUTING IN THIS HOUSE!!!" It was all the reminder they needed.
GOD'S ROADMAP FOR LIFE
Jesus gives us the power to lead our families when we give Him our
will and then follow His instructions. Just read His directions (in
the Bible), pray -- then DO WHAT HE SAYS.
Men don't reject the Bible because it contradicts itself, but because
it contradicts them! But when the Bible is not used as the roadmap of
life for you and your family then you have no standard for absolutes
in your home.
END of STUDY SEVEN